002 | on leaving f*ceb**k, how physical therapy is unearthing pre-pandemic grief, and
and sass, current reads, and a list of lists
cooled lava on the coast of iceland // 2018.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
(if you want to skip around)
A long-winded, unedited, grammatical-error-ridden, but totally-honest journal entry from yours truly: thoughts after a walk, deactivating my FB, how physical therapy is uncovering + releasing buried emotions, breakups of all kinds, lists of things I’m doing to help my neck aka my self-expression and voice (5th chakra stuff).
Photo-dump of things I took pictures of this week
Currently reading list
A list of things I put on lists this week
Hi, friends.
I just got home from a dark, chilly, wet walk about Lake Washington, here in Seattle. When the fog is low at night, the city lights bounce off the lake and the clouds, making things very hazy and orange, and I love it.
I’ve been going on a couple walks a day lately, after noticing that my step count had dropped from around 10k/day to 2k/day after losing my job in November.
Usually when I walk, I listen to podcasts or audiobooks – ‘multi-tasking’ I tell myself. But tonight, I needed my thoughts to bounce around freely, and then dissipate between the lake and the clouds. So, I lost myself in Sigur Rós’ LIMINAL playlist (link below). It’s probably my #1 listened-to playlist, aside from all of Ólafur Arnalds music (yes, I love Icelandic music). I’m very proud to be in the top 1% of Ólafur’s listeners, BY THE WAY.
I DEACTIVATED MY PERSONAL FB
Yes, I finally did it.
Though, it annoys me a little as to how it unfolded, because I exited abruptly after some men were arguing with each other on my timeline, thus causing me to get notifications about it, even though I was not part of the conversation - which is totally my fault for 1) even having notifications on and 2) allowing comments on my posts in the first place.
So far, I don’t have any strong pulls to reactivate. It feels like getting sober. Everything is very doe-eyed and optimistic in the beginning…until it isn’t, one dark night. So far, so good.
(I did have to log back in once, to detach my chess.com profile so I could continue playing chess). And my Spotify, Pinterest, Strava, and about 30 other profiles, linked to my fb account for login access.
After deleting my personal account, I created a burner account so I could continue managing paid advertising accounts and rejoin a few networking groups that I find valuable, but aside from that, leaving that platform has created the same type of silence that going under water at a loud party does: you can only hear the distant rumbles, but you have no idea what anyone is talking about.
I know I’m not the only one sick of the toxic chatter on social media. And if you use social media to connect with others during these tough times: I hear you. I did too, but it turned out that I was spending 8+ hours a day (according to my screen-time measurements) scrolling, opening/re-opening apps, stalking exes, their exes, their new partners, old friends who are no longer my friends, looking up people I remember, “Oh yeah, I remember not liking them - I wonder what they’re doing?” All while zapping my eyesight with bright phone light.
This all points to a very specific emptiness in me, something that I need, that I am not giving myself, so I seek to find it elsewhere. But, I need to nurture me. The feeds can only do, well, none of that.
When I identified as a Christian, this was normally called the “God-Shaped Hole (barf) - which always confused me: ‘well, I’m a Christian, doing all the things I’m supposed to do, and I still feel this way. And also, I am TRYING to be a P31 girl, (if you know, you know) but the boy I have a crush on doesn’t have one on me, so I must not be P31 enough.” I am certain I will dive into religious PTSD at some point on here, but today is not the day.
The emptiness echoes VERY LOUD, INDEED (please, please comment if you know this reference from The Trip) now that I am not scrolling through the feeds. I still have Twitter, LinkedIn, and Instagram, but the apps are not kept on my phone, unless I’m out and about, and feel safe about doing so, then quickly deleting after I post what I wanted to post.
I think despite how uncomfortable I feel, this is a good thing. This shift is going to lead to change that I had not even planned on.
WHICH LEADS ME TO PHYSICAL THERAPY + EMOTIONAL RELEASE
I started physical therapy last week, due to increasing chronic pain in my neck on the left side. I also lost mobility, and couldn’t turn my head to the left without. I was ALSO experiencing horrific gut and inflammation (still am) issues.
My physical therapist gave me some exercises to do at home, and I have started to regain mobility in my neck and feel less pain! AND:
started experience anger/rage
started experiencing misophonia again, especially at night, ESPECIALLY whilst doing dishes
started experiencing very minor OCD again (I check locked doors several times before finally going to bed)
started crying for no reason, like, a whimpering cry. absolutely out of nowhere. I feel like I am incapable of anything when this falls upon me.
I think these are all left over from the painful breakup I went through in November of 2019. It takes me a very, very long time to move on from breakups, and I really never quit grieving. I’ve only had two of what I consider committed, serious, romantic relationships in my life, (this was number two). So, yeah. It just takes me a long time. And I crush VERY hard, for a VERY long time, and…oh, am I codependent? YES! That’s also another topic, for another day.
Anyways, in February of 2020, when the pandemic started rumbling louder and louder, I got home from a breakup trip to NYC, and then my fight/flight turned it’s attention from grief-mode to survival mode while I watched coworkers around me lose their jobs, cancelled all the events I had booked as part of my job, which meant canceling on dozens of artists and musicians, and not knowing if my job was next. And of course, the fear of contracting COVID worried the hell out of me, and still does.
I was freaking out, and my neck started hurting in mid-March, 2020. We closed the hotel that week. My identity was in my job, as a single-unmarried woman. I had to prove myself with work.
Also, with so much of the world shutting down, how we communicate and socialize - without any say in the matter, likely had a lot to do with the location of the pain, i.e. the 5th chakra, if you are study the energy centers of the body. You can read more about that here.
So, it makes absolute sense that when I started working on my neck, and taking back the control the pandemic took from me, it unearthed the grief and emotional pain that was likely stuck or sealed inside of that pain.
In nearly all my relationships, platonic and romantic, I have a major problem with taking up any space at all. I don’t let my voice out, and I don’t always express my opinion - I know, hard to believe. But I feel that if I do, I will be “too much” and scare someone dear away. So I am pleasant and agreeable. This is also how women have had to behave in our society, even still, while we are going through fourth-wave feminism.
This was absolutely true of my behavior in my former romantic relationship: as an act of denying myself I silenced my voice and opinions most of the time, so the relationship would stay in tact, and I would not have to be abandoned (which is how I perceive breakups of any kind: platonic, romantic, professional, familial. More on this later, too).
The last week has been tough for me, as my body clears out all the residual and stuck trauma / emotional cobwebs. Which, will get triggered again - because they always do.
But today, right now, I feel really good, and I honestly was not expecting this from a physical therapy appointment in a medical building. I would expect this from a yoga retreat in Bali, which I have also experienced.
Some changes I’ve made to help my neck and my voice out:
Journaling. Especially in the morning. (Morning Pages, FTW!)
Staying off social media when I feel bad. It just perpetuates the shame cycle and does NOTHING good for my neck!
TAKE UP SPACE. I have started sharing my opinion in stead of being silent, in safe spaces, with people who know I am working on taking up space. I continue talking, even if I hear myself talking too much - usually I cut myself off and am short, and to the point because I am scared of not being heard or understood. Not anymore! Get ready for long-winded Tiffiny, who rambles, talks fast, and jumps from thought-to-thought, but always bringing it back to full circle: NOW IN REAL LIFE TECHNICOLOR!
More FUN CARDIO! I’ve been doing dancing classes a la YouTube to let my emotions and self-expression out to play, which is helpful for the 5th and all of our chakras (I’m sorry if you are not into the woo-woo stuff, but it helps me navigate and explain this area of my life).
Standing while working at the computer, or if I am sitting, using a lumbar pillow to compress my spine. Current setup until I have a job again and can get a proper standing desk contraption:
P H O T O D U M P
(things I took pictures of this week)
winter flowers: inspired by their grit and beauty.
sunrise puddle walk
the craft store has already given up on love
CURRENTLY reading / just FINISHED reading / going TO READ
(via book, audiobook, or internet):
The Art of Asking, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Let People Help by Amanda Palmer - Wow, wow, wow. I’m only about two chapters in, and THIS IS THE BOOK I HAVE NEEDED for so long. I’m so excited to continue reading it, especially since Amanda is speaking from the perspective of an artist.
“From what I've seen, it isn't so much the act of asking that paralyzes us--it's what lies beneath: the fear of being vulnerable, the fear of rejection, the fear of looking needy or weak. The fear of being seen as a burdensome member of the community instead of a productive one. It points, fundamentally, to our separation from one another.”
Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times by Katherine May - this is such a beautiful book and reminder that ‘wintering’ has a purpose, and we can learn so much. I would say, this pandemic is a very long, ‘wintering’ for all of us.
“Wintering is a season in the cold. It is a fallow period in life when you’re cut off from the world, feeling rejected, sidelined, blocked from progress, or cast into the role of an outsider. Perhaps it results from an illness or a life event such as a bereavement or the birth of a child; perhaps it comes from a humiliation or failure. Perhaps you’re in a period of transition and have temporarily fallen between two worlds. Some wintering creep upon us more slowly, accompanying the protracted death of a relationship, the gradual ratcheting up of caring responsibilities as our parents age, the drip-drip-drip of lost confidence. Some are appallingly sudden, like discovering one day that your skills are considered obsolete, the company you worked for has gone bankrupt, or your partner is in love with someone new. However, it arrives, wintering is usually involuntary, lonely, and deeply painful.”
The Body Keeps The Score: Brain, Mind, and the Healing of Trauma by Bessel Van der Kolk - I have had this book for over a year, and even gifted a copy to a friend, but still have yet to read it myself. It’s finally time to read this, especially after quitting anti-depressants, feeling rage after physical therapy, and just, starting to *listen* to my body more.
“Traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hide from their selves.”
Dunbar’s Number: Why We Can Only Maintain 150 Relationships by Christine Ro, for www.bbc.com - this is why I cannot reply to your DMs. But seriously, this is fascinating, and it’s no wonder we are all exhausted with our 500+ LinkedIn Networks, 1500+ fb friends-yapping-on-a-timeline, etc.
SMALLER READS:
The Actor’s Life: A Survival Guide by Jenna Fischer - I have started to take steps to get back into acting (setup a backstage profile and “called” myself an actor again) and this book is SO GOOD, even as someone with a distant background in commercial/professional acting.
The Ultimate Audition Book: 222 Monologues, 2 Minutes and Under - like I mentioned, getting back into acting = having memorized monologues handy.
RESOURCES + LINKS for independent, free, or alternative reading to corporate-backed companies:
I use Libro.fm to listen to audiobooks, because they support independent bookstores! not am*z*n!
I use The Libby App to checkout audiobooks from my local library - it’s amazing! definitely sign up for both of those if you’ve not already.
A LIST OF THINGS I PUT ON VARIOUS LISTS I MADE THIS WEEK:
Alice Wetterlund’s standup
Food diary: TOPO CHICO gives me gas
Thank you notes
Thinking of you notes
Flow: time is not reality
Personal goal: to interview well!
I’m thankful for time alone, creativity, and LADIES.
Send 3 friends vid texts
I CAN BE WITH THIS
Wolno Preset: Still need to
Thank you for reading KEYS TO THE HOUSE: But, what is it?
First, it’s a play on words from the name of my ambient music project, Housekeys.
Secondly, it’s a communication portal for those who want to keep in-the-know about what I would usually post bit-by-bit on social media:
1) i want to bring intention and attention back to my content-sharing practice. social media is quick, flippant, impulsive, and then g o n e, and so is the time we spend on it. i want to take back control of my time and put it elsewhere, but i don’t want to lose touch with the wonderful folks i have met online, and those i currently keep in touch with online, especially during this pandemic.
2) i wish to seek out inspiration, friendships, collaboration, community, and from elsewhere, instead of accidentally scrolling upon it in the middle of the night.
3) because marlee grace suggested it in her Patreon-members-only community zoom gathering last week (i have joined a few communities on Patreon and am in love!)
4) i want to draw water from a different well: in short, if i’m always looking at what other artist and musicians are doing on social media, i’m going ONLY see that. it’s an echo-chamber there. regardless of your niche: activism, art, debates, political views, pop-culture…it all exists inside a very tiny part of the world: social media. i want to dive deep within myself and use my intuition and my own energy to create art, opinions, and discourse. i want to use the space that social media leaves and put something else in there. more to come…
WHAT THIS NEWSLETTER IS
long-form content, carefully curated with intention and attention.
a place to share updates about my personal, professional, and creative life.
a place to share photos, videos, music, and other works of art i create: in progress, finished, all states, plus different methods and tools i use for creating (like telling you about Creative Market’s weekly Monday newsletter with FREE FONTS and VECTOR downloads!)
a place for me to exist online, that is not social media. i will also share *how* i’m limiting my social media time (i.e. i don’t keep any of the apps on my phone anymore - GAME CHANGER!) instead of one-off posts, i’ll round up content once a week and share it all here.
i’m sure we will add to this list
WHAT THIS NEWSLETTER ISNOT
a place for your business/blog to advertise or get featured, unless i curate it first.
a sales newsletter: i will share links to my projects, i.e. music/earrings, but this is not a sales/marketing newsletter. i won’t be heavy-hitting any sales-y things here, ever.
i’m sure we will add to this list
i am really glad you’re here. if you find something i share enjoyable, helpful, or none of the above, i want to hear about it! leave a comment or just reply to me, directly.
now - onward to the good stuff, below!
xoxo
tiffiny