003 | how often do you cry?
plus photos from the mountains and a link to a new ambient loop, and pen-pals
Actual footage of me writing this newsletter, in bed, with a cat purring on me // Feb 2021.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
(if you want to skip around)
Words about writing from bed, crying, sad chords.
Photo-dump of things I took pictures of this week
Currently listening to list (reading will be back next week - I haven’t started anything new this week)
Pen-pals and mail
Hi, friends.
I’m typing this from bed today. It feels like a cozy, “write-and-do-all-the-things-from-my-bed” kind of day. I think we are in the middle of a 10-day stretch of rain here in the PNW, so beds make great desks this week.
And yet, there are blue skies outside my window.
This week slowed me down. I’m just … moving slow, and trying to be ok with it. I started the Whole30, but altered it a bit because it feels like too much right now. So, I added peanut butter and (dairy-free) ice cream back in.
The job search continues and I am starting to hear back from places I interviewed for saying they’ve decided to close the position and not hire at all. I am not surprised to hear this; we still have a long ways to go before this pandemic and the world begins to rebuild a more solid foundation.
So, even though I wrote a viral essay about the horrors of freelancing after leaving it for a 9-5, I find myself considering freelance work again, and sprucing up my website to include all my bodies of work in design, photography, writing, and music. It’s taken me a while to get my website to a place I like and is hilarious to me that the thing I am hired to do for other people (marketing/website work) is the last thing I do for myself.
I CRY A LOT
I do. I’m an emotional gal, and after 35 years, am still learning how to wield that secret power. Yes - it is a secret power for me. I source a lot of my creativity from my emotions, I feel alive, and I feel…everything very loudly. My body responds with aches and pains, gut issues, headaches, and of course, tears.
The main types of tears I cry:
Happy tears: while I was driving through the Cascades this weekend, I found myself crying several times, for no real reason. I was listening to upbeat music (Sylvan Esso, LCD Soundsystem, The Field), and yet, I was crying - full-on, outburst into tears, because of how real and alive I felt. I hadn’t really felt like that for a long time, I *suspect* because of the medication I had been taking. There had just been this opaque wall between my raw feelings and myself for quite a long time.
Hopeless tears: these tears usually come on when I’m in the midst of a depressive episode, which I’m currently dealing with. Yesterday, I cried some of these tears, because I felt like I was tricked: I was just feeling SO great. Getting off my medication, feeling amazing, and so myself felt SO GOOD. Even sharing on social media that I felt like I had emerged from a 5-7 year depression felt REAL. And maybe it still is; maybe I will just have episodes of depression instead of chronic, all-the-time depression, but still: I cried a few times yesterday because I felt The Darkness (god, not the BAND) return, and it likes to ruin all my plans.
Hearing Rachel Bloom describe her depression in The Hilarious World of Depression podcast *exactly* how mine feels, did make me feel a little better, plus hers is also rooted in obsessive attachment and love, and not being able to get over things as quickly as desired:
“These terms: depression, anxiety…when you’re in them, it feels so weird to label them, because they are so visceral. It feels like it’s this Dark Thing that wants to attack everything that is important to me.”
One thing she mentions she is working on is that she will just not engage with The Dark Thing when it shows up - this is something I have not really tried. I am actually very good at compartmentalizing myself to get shit done (i.e. I can Turn It On for job interviews, FaceTime with friends, work, etc). I just don’t know where the line for ‘not engaging with’ and ‘ignoring + not dealing with’ is. (I’d actually love to hear from you if you have any experience with this!)
I’ve also been going on walks around the lake, almost every day, which helps so much. I get to let everything out, like a puppy in a field, to run around and frolic or sprawl.
I also just want to say: this is not a pity-party or a cry for help. I have a plan, I’m talking with my doc, and sorting things out. I always appreciate messages to me about mental health and encouragement, but just wanted to clear up that I am OK! I’m just being open and talking about things, as always. :)
Angry tears: Pair mad + crying and you have: angry tears! I usually have these during my luteal phase (thanks, PMDD!) and when I’m ultra-sensitive to sounds. I was doing dishes the other night and kept clanking or dropping things in the sink, and it was just SO LOUD I wanted to scream, but instead I grabbed a pillow and yelled into it, and some hot, angry tears left imprints on the fabric once I was done. Sometimes, you just have to let them out.
Confused tears: Usually, I am crying, laughing, and shaking my head when the elusive, indecisive, confused tears trickle their way down my face:
When someone has just offered me an incredible opportunity: “me? ME? You must have the wrong gal. ME?!” These tears come about when I feel I finally earned something I deserve, but I also don’t feel like I deserve it.
When someone I had a crush on years ago finally replies to my existence with a late-night “sup” (this has happened once).
When I figure out something musically and discover it is SO DAMN EASY. Yes, I cry at this, because I work so hard, and still believe that good art only comes via the most difficult path. Earlier last week, while working on a composition, I confused-cried because I tried out a software plug-in for the first time and it BLEW MY MIND. I couldn’t believe how real it sounded, and how easy it was to use and manipulate into a truly lovely sound.
When I look up chords to Sigur Rós songs and discover they are quite often the same chords I played in my high school church worship band: it was never Jesus we felt, it was the CHORDS:
Sad Chord Progression List (source)
The list below is based on roman numerals so they can be played in any key. The notation in the key of C is listed below the sad chord progression list. Remember when playing these that sad songs are usually slow!
I-vii°-iii-iii As you can see, sad progressions usually have many minor chords
iii-ii-I-I This one is different because it starts on the iii chord.
vi-ii-iv-I A little bit of tension is added due to the unusual minor iv chord, which resolves back to the I. This one is has a very nice resolution due to the tension and return.
I-vi-ii-V This one is more popular and used often.
I-vi-IV-V Not as sad as some of the others, but fun to play with.
vi-V-IV-iii Descending chords like this can also sound quite sad
vi-vi-iv-iii This is used in Requiem for a Dream by Clint Mansell
P H O T O D U M P
This weekend, I visited the land of the indigenous people of Nooksack, Upper Skagit, Sauk-Suiattle, Colville, and Yakama in the U.S. as well as the Sto:lo and Nlakapamux in Canada* (source), or what is also called North Cascades National Park.
It was my first time exploring this National Park, and my goal was to get to Diablo Lake to test out a new lens (Canon EF 24-105mm f/4L), shoot some expired 620 film in a vintage camera I found at Goodwill, and collect field sounds to use in music. All missions were accomplished.
It was a moody AF day in the PNW, and I would never expect anything else! Here are some photos (I like dark, moody edits - always working on getting better at that).
*Further land acknowledgment information + the Indigenous GeoTag Project can be found here.
C U R R E N T L Y listening to:
Amanda Glover composed the score for Wiggle Room, one of the shorts showing at Sundance Film Festival this year, which I have been watching (attending?) since it’s all streamed. I found some of her other work on Bandcamp, and bought this amazing album, filled with so many lovely sounds and manipulations. I’ve been listening to it while writing this newsletter.
I’ve been listening to Loscii’s coast/range/arc// album during my walks lately because I’m in composing-mode: aka everything I listen to, I dissect it, identify what instruments are being used, what effects, production choices, etc. Honestly, sometimes I feel like being a musician and totally changed the way I hear music: I don’t just hear music, I hear all the ingredients and production choices made, too.
The Hilarious World of Depression is a fantastic podcast if you like comedy and are depressed. I turn to this podcast to feel less In My Head™. I definitely identify as someone who uses comedy to sort through and make light of her darkness, and so do all of these folks. My favorite episodes so far are with Mark Duplass, where he talks about how he is either all the way on, or all the way off; and then Rachel Bloom’s, which I touched a bit earlier in this newsletter.
Can I include my own music? Well, I’m gonna. I found this track, and honestly, I don’t remember recording it, but there is some kind of magic when you revisit something you recorded and you think it’s….sort of good? So I uploaded it to Soundcloud this morning, and well, here you go:
P E N P A L S + mail
I have a few penpals because of this pandemic, and I was overjoyed to get mail from all of them in one day, included Cortney Cassidy’s Mail Blog: literally, a blog, and you read it via mail instead of the internet. In exchange for the blog (it’s free), you can send Cortney stamps, gift cards, anything, really - to share an appreciation for the blog and reciprocate some kind of commerce since it does cost to create. I LOVE THAT.
I currently receive the following publications via mail - I’d love to know what else is worth subscribing to (not your normal newsstand pubs), as I continue trying to rely less on the internet for all my information and replace it with intention and attention.
Tape Op Magazine (drool)
The Presence (it’s beautiful)
Mail Blog
The New Yorker
My lovely stack of pen-pal mail:
Thank you for reading KEYS TO THE HOUSE: But, what is it?
First, it’s a play on words from the name of my ambient music project, Housekeys.
Secondly, it’s a communication portal for those who want to keep in-the-know about what I would usually post bit-by-bit on social media:
1) i want to bring intention and attention back to my content-sharing practice. social media is quick, flippant, impulsive, and then g o n e, and so is the time we spend on it. i want to take back control of my time and put it elsewhere, but i don’t want to lose touch with the wonderful folks i have met online, and those i currently keep in touch with online, especially during this pandemic.
2) i wish to seek out inspiration, friendships, collaboration, community, and from elsewhere, instead of accidentally scrolling upon it in the middle of the night.
3) because marlee grace suggested it in her Patreon-members-only community zoom gathering last week (i have joined a few communities on Patreon and am in love!)
4) i want to draw water from a different well: in short, if i’m always looking at what other artist and musicians are doing on social media, i’m going ONLY see that. it’s an echo-chamber there. regardless of your niche: activism, art, debates, political views, pop-culture…it all exists inside a very tiny part of the world: social media. i want to dive deep within myself and use my intuition and my own energy to create art, opinions, and discourse. i want to use the space that social media leaves and put something else in there. more to come…
WHAT THIS NEWSLETTER IS
long-form content, carefully curated with intention and attention.
a place to share updates about my personal, professional, and creative life.
a place to share photos, videos, music, and other works of art i create: in progress, finished, all states, plus different methods and tools i use for creating (like telling you about Creative Market’s weekly Monday newsletter with FREE FONTS and VECTOR downloads!)
a place for me to exist online, that is not social media. i will also share *how* i’m limiting my social media time (i.e. i don’t keep any of the apps on my phone anymore - GAME CHANGER!) instead of one-off posts, i’ll round up content once a week and share it all here.
i’m sure we will add to this list
WHAT THIS NEWSLETTER IS NOT
a place for your business/blog to advertise or get featured, unless i curate it first.
a sales newsletter: i will share links to my projects, i.e. music/earrings, but this is not a sales/marketing newsletter. i won’t be heavy-hitting any sales-y things here, ever.
i’m sure we will add to this list
i am really glad you’re here. if you find something i share enjoyable, helpful, or none of the above, i want to hear about it! leave a comment or just reply to me, directly.
now - onward to the good stuff, below!
xoxo
tiffiny
PERSONAL WEBSITE // MUSIC I MAKE // PAYPAL // VENMO (yes, I accept tips!)
A R C H I V E S (if you missed it)
001 | Let us start with: my Google Search History.
002 | on leaving f*ceb**k, how physical therapy is unearthing pre-pandemic grief, and…
I enjoyed the pictures of the PNW - especially the lake with the mountain as the backdrop. Thanks for sharing, Tiffiny!